apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
