Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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