oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I woke up under a house in Key West
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