So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
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I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
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And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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