I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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