Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
