he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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