Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
