T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
