my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
