I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
