I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
