can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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