a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
