Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I need a burrito and a hug.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
