at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
there is glitter all over my balls
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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