why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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