By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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