im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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