Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
