You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
