Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
