based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
