you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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