I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
