some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
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She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
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I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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