I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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