How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
