My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
