You really coming over, don't trick.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
