my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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