This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
