p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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