Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
