And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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