meet me or not, i'm out of control
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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