Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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