How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
