I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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