It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
