My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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