if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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