I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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