I used to practice getting hit by cars.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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