Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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