Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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