call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
