I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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