i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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