i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
