Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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