remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
