enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
