can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
