First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
